Knut Goes Nowhere And Hangs Around His Mailbox

[This post was written by Knut Albert Solem aka “Knut of Norway”]

knutOn the outskirts of Europe there lives a peculiar tribe of people. Like most other nations, they feel that they have the solution to every problem on the planet. Other small nations have had to bow to the necessity of adjusting to their surroundings, but Norway had the curse to find oil and gas in the 1970s, giving them the possibility of constructing their own reality.

One of the inhabitants of this country is a contributor to A Good Beer Blog, sending his impressions from his travels across Europe. When the generous editor Alan managed to find some sponsors for his blog, he wanted to share some of the spoils with his contributors. One sponsor is the Cracked Kettle in Amsterdam, and Alan figured that they could probably send a few beers to two of his European contributors. Packages were dispatched in early February, and the one sent to England arrived within days. Here is what happened to mine:

The package to Norway was first returned because the shipping company couldn’t deliver outside the European Union. Fair enough, they found an alternative.

Two weeks later, I get a letter from the Norwegian Postal Service, Posten. They can tell me that they have received a package from abroad, and that they can do the customs clearance for me. For a fee, of course. I sign a form authorizing them to do so, and wait for the package to arrive.

Another two weeks, and they send me a new letter, telling me that I should provide them with a receipt, an invoice or similar documentation for the package. I reply with a short handwritten note that this is a gift, and I do not know the value of the package.

Another two weeks, until yesterday. A new letter, cheerfully telling me that I must fill in a form. This is an application that has to be processed by the Directorate of Health and Social Affairs, which decides if I should be allowed to receive the gift. In the instructions following the form, I am told that the maximum amount of alcohol I can receive in this way is 4 liters. Luckily the package only contains 2 liters. For more information, see the back of the page. The back of the page is blank.

I do not know which criteria the Directorate of Health and Social Affairs use to determine if I should be allowed to receive the package or not. Will they check if I have been prosecuted for bad behaviour in public places? Will they ask the neighbours if I beat my wife? The answer is probably written in invisible ink on the back of the form, or possible posted somewhere in a basement as in the Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. I faxed over the form today. If the Directorate of Health and Social Affairs decide in my favour, I will then receive a permit to import the beer. This permit will then be mailed to Posten, who will then talk to the Customs people.

It would be interesting to find out how many hours of work it will take for various government employees to process this package containing two litres of beer. And I have a strange feeling that there might be more efficient ways of combating drunkenness and alcohol abuse. But what do I know?

Monday And Coffee

I think I just disproved that theory about coffee. Consider this:

  • Monday.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward and I “sleep in”.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward and I “sleep in” and there are seven kids in the house because it is March Break and my nieces are visiting.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward and I “sleep in” and there are seven kids in the house because it is March Break and my nieces are visiting so I can’t make coffee as we have a grinder and that will wake the nieces.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward and I “sleep in” and there are seven kids in the house because it is March Break and my nieces are visiting so I can’t make coffee as we have a grinder and that will wake the nieces so I have to get it at work meaning a foggy drive in.
  • Monday after the clocks leap forward and I “sleep in” and there are seven kids in the house because it is March Break and my nieces are visiting so I can’t make coffee as we have a grinder and that will wake the nieces so I have to get it at work and I get to work meaning a foggy drive in – and there is no coffee when I get to work.

Somewhere, somehow, I earned some credit of some sort.

Chatteriffic Bullet-a-rama For A Friday

A fabulous day is here. The Friday that begins the great final melt, the weekend the rains come. Soon we will be smelling things, things that have been out there under the snow and ice for months. Soon car windows will be down, we will notice sounds from a distance as we sit in our houses, dogs a few streets over will interrupt our thoughts, the neighbours fights will introduce new words to the kids. Tra-la!

  • Update: Did you know that Kingston has the lowest unemployment between Halifax and Winnipeg? 5.0% percent.
  • Update: I had never heard the phrase “pimp my Zamboni” until I heard this story.
  • I am a broken record, I know, but sometimes you still here the music between the skips and so it is with great pleasure that I give you the greatest conversation of the week making fun of Web 2.0. An argument between people who want pornier porn and those who can advocate this with a straight face – “beware the coming misappropriation of the phrase ‘social software’.” Fabulous in its meaninglessness.
  • Indeed – what has Ghana done anyway?
  • Here is new information I did not know before. With all the talk of hands off our resources, the right way is the only way, and Alberta is taking the lead…now they are begging to not have their special case Federal tax break taken away:

    Alberta Finance Minister Lyle Oberg warned Thursday against any move by Ottawa to scrap a special tax break for the oil sands, saying it would be the final punch in a triple whammy blow to the energy sector. The Harper government, which needs Opposition party support to pass its March 19 budget, is reviewing an NDP call to scrap what’s called the accelerated capital cost allowance program for oil sands…tax expert Jack Mintz of the University of Toronto’s Rotman School of Management estimates that oil sands projects would pay $165-million more in federal and provincial corporate income tax a year if the income tax rules applied to them were the same as conventional oil and gas investments. But, he adds, if oil sands investments were treated the same as Alberta’s non-energy projects, the additional tax would be $440-million a year.

    Maybe we can have these bonuses put on the table when we have to deal with the insufferable self-promoters of the West that lies between BC and Sask next time. Nice to have been pulling their weight so they can tell us how self-sufficient they are.

  • Speaking of meaninglessness, apparently Red Sox veteran pitcher Curt Schilling is blogging.
  • A couple of travelers sent me nine photos of their trip to Belgium. I like their travel planning.

That is it for now. Maybe more later. I have some planting to plan and I have start working on my spring festival outfit. And thinking about who to invite to the cheese roll.

It Is Right And Proper To Dislike FIFA

I am greatly saddened by the whole soccer head scarf debate surrounding one girl who wants to play. Playing is good and as we learn over and over FIFA is bad. It is not a difficult or even controversial statement. It is simply so. Feel good about thinking FIFA bad. Does anyone shed a tear for the Olympic Committee or any other private unelected mens’ clubs that organize sport to rake in personal privilege and benefit? It is only right and good to lump FIFA in and, frankly, place them up at the top of the lump.

Let us review some facts. Here is the essential part of the rule…sorry the law of football that is engaged in this case:

A player must not use equipment or wear anything that is dangerous to himself or another player (including any kind of jewellery).

All items of jewellery are potentially dangerous. The term dangerous can sometimes be ambiguous and controversial, therefore in order to be uniform and consistent any kind of jewellery has to be forbidden.

Players are not allowed to use tape to cover jewellery. Taping jewellery is not adequate protection.

Rings, earrings, leather or rubber bands are not necessary to play and the only thing they can bring about is injury.

You might be confused. You might be asking yourself what a rule about jewellery has to do with a head scarf. You would be right except this is the core prohibition in the rule being cited by FIFA:

Soccer’s legislators have ruled that no player can wear a head scarf on the field. The International Football Association Board was asked at its annual meeting Saturday to adjudicate on a decision to ban an 11-year-old Muslim girl from playing in a tournament near Montreal last weekend because she was wearing a head scarf. “If you play football there’s a set of laws and rules, and law four outlines the basic equipment,” said Brian Barwick, chief executive of the English Football Association, which is one of the IFAB members. “It’s absolutely right to be sensitive to people’s thoughts and philosophies, but equally there has to be a set of laws that are adhered to, and we favour law four being adhered to.” Law four lists the items a player is entitled to wear and head scarves are not mentioned.

That last sentence added by The Globe and Mail is not entirely true as Law Four goes on to state:

Modern protective equipment such as headgear, facemasks, knee and arm protectors made of soft, lightweight, padded material are not considered to be dangerous and are therefore permitted.

A headscarf is light, soft and in this instance one understands is protective of modesty according to the standards of the player. As her leggings are. By any reasonable understanding they are allowed. By any reasonable standard they are an entire non-issue.

But remember who you are dealing with. FIFA considers soccer players – you know…the people who play the game – as something between figures on paper and Subbueto players. Uniformity in uniform is about central control. This child might have been Amish or had a skin disease requiring covering. It just so happens that this one child is honouring her Islamic faith. It could as easily be any other thing. For FIFA that is not really important as she is fundamentally not acting FIFA-n. She is displaying unFIFA-like personal characteristic. That is anti-FIFA and that cannot be tolerated.

Why is this? First, FIFA wants to dominate world sport. To do this, there must be one game defined by one set of laws imposed by one bureaucracy. This means the other games to be driven out – it must be so if FIFA is to achieve the power and benefit that uniformity brings. We do not need to get to the level of cheese rolling or other local games or group play-like traditions. We just have to keep in mind there are many football games that sprung from the mid-19th century. When more organized games were formed between, say, 1850 and 1920, the lack of communication and the greater interest in the local meant no one worried that Gaelic football was different from Canadian rugger or from what has become Aussie rules. But FIFA now cares and cares very deeply as one of the forms of sub-global football, NFL style, has the notion of also being a global game. That must be stopped just as all other deviation must be stopped.

This is not about that keen young lady or her particular faith. It is about the primacy of the primates of FIFA. Hmmm…the phrase “the anti-Christs of play” just popped into my head for some reason. It is enough to say for now that FIFA is anti-play and therefore anti-KSPC. For that reason we shall be kicking a ball about this summer around here without any sidelines to which someone can tell me or mine to go sit. I expect it to be fun.

Kingston Society For Playing Catch Update

The KSPC met yesterday but I was not able to attend. The big news is that we are now including membership from outside the workplace but that is because someone got a new job.

So far proposed activities of the club have been more refined to include most any game you play without the need to actually maintain score or that only a ninny would think score actually bears any relationship to one’s virility. I say proposed in that we have been on what can be called “winter schedule” which basically includes the drinking of ale and the talking of things.

But it is the time of melting and we have to come to some principled plans about what to do. We certainly have catching to do but we have other things, too. We have any number of the pub games like the branches of the skittles family. Croquet is also there and was solidified with the acquisition of a very sharp set this week by a member of the KSPC who turned seven. It was acquired from this vendor of fabulous things, The Croquet Shop. There is also now talk of 500 Up, its relative Ball and Trap and even bum ball. The kicking of the ball in a group is also to be added to the schedule. The Kingston brew pub has a wellie toss on the 24th of March which may open up the summer gaming season for the KSPC.

I am not sure that this could all end up in a Vintage Base Ball group but one never knows – and getting a game of Annapolis Valley Stick Ball together would be great. And a hat. That would be great, too.

You are reminded that the KSPC is a non-transferable, non-digital organization. You must play with others where you are. If required make your own SPC locally and announce it.

The Rules For 500 Up

I know I am not supposed to post twice on a Friday but I have just had two shocks. I met someone my age who had no idea what 500 Up was and, when I described the game, reported not having ever played anything like it. That was shock one.

I though 500 Up was a great universal. I thought it was primordial. Now I Google “500 Up” and only my post pops up as referencing the game. This is really weird. It is like I mentioned bread – or at least popsicles – and realizing the people I was talking to had never heard of them.

Sloan has a song called “500 Up” off of their first record. Here are the lyrics. Disturbingly, the game is only there as a passing reference, an analogy mixed with another image – a reference only one in the know would know:

Sliding downwards
You’re the batter
That’s what they say
500 up
On the ladder

Do you know the rules to 500 Up? Why is this not on the internet somewhere? That is shock number two. Now I have to know. Are there different points to catching the ball in the air and fewer points for getting it on a bounce? How many points? Did you decide how many before each time you played? I haven’t played it for 21 years. I haven’t played Kingston Nova Scotia stickball for 35. That was a hell of a game.