#10 – So Many Tories

[Sunporch. Morning. The first newspaper in the pile is unfurled majesteriously, the rest sitting on the ottoman under a pair slippered feet.]

Him: Well, look at that, would ya! [To the next room] Hey, honey! There are Reform Tories, Harris Tories, Mulroney Tories and even a couple dear old Joe Clark Red Tories in there! [Quieter] All squished in just 27 seats. How will they manage that? But nothing for Diane Ablonczy, the younger less…err…hearty…Deb Gray. Great gals and tough ones too. Too bad they never made it to the promised land. Room for a turncoat but not for Diane.

[Reaches for tea, then toast, then tea again, slurping.]

Him: Too bad about Diane. And, hey, they still have a Heritage Ministry. That was a great Ministry. [Louder again] Hey Honey! Remember when I had Heritage? [To self] That was great. One reception after another…

[She enters in dressing gown. Grabs a paper out from under his feet, shoving them aside. He makes a face and she makes one back smiling.]

Him: Watch your step! Remember when I had Heritage? I figured they’d have that one for the chop for sure. Too bad about Emerson, eh? Nice enough guy but a bit full of himself…Mr. Big Phd…Mr. businessman. Worked his way up through the public sector to mark his private sector mark. International Trade. No harm there. Not like you do much there. When did they split that from Foreign Affairs anyway? They same folk sitting in the same embassies putting up with two different Ministers. The boss would never have put up with that. Fat chance he’ll get voted in again.

[She gets up and walks out giving his shoulder a swat with her paper on the way by.]

Him: What! What did I do? [Quieter] Too bad about Ablonczy – what a sparkplug…

#9 – Rewards For Treachery

So, it was Emerson, was it?

I didn’t see that coming. I thought it’d be Brison, myself. Or Holland. Or, now that I think about it, just about anyone else . . . except Stronach, of course. Even Harper couldn’t take Stronach back.

You can’t even blame him for that: who’d trust her on that side of the house? [Sotto voce] Or this one, either?

Other than David’s little plum, who else did he have to call upon? They’ve been out of government for long enough that they really are having to entrust rookies with big responsibilities. That Solberg kid, for example, is just bound to trip up. He may play well in the sticks, on that internet blog circuit, but he’ll soon find that running a ministry is much more difficult than just coining a few quips for his basement-dwelling blog readers.

Oh, and Jim “I’m a yes-man for Harris” Flaherty to Finance? We don’t even need to write the press releases for the Toronto Star . . . they’ll write ’em without prompting (or payment). Harper really handed us a good media hook there. Clement in Health is nearly as good — we can count the Toronto media as on our side again with those two in Cabinet.

And does Harper really think he can run a government with so few ministers? Please. The civil servants will keep them so busy that they’ll always look flustered and badly briefed in front of the cameras. It’s such a nice set-up for us, and they think they’re doing something clever.

#6 – 103 On The Edge Of The Abyss

I would only ever say this to the others, of course.  In complete confidence.  That is to say, the level of confidence we attach to our more enthusiastic, brandy-fuelled  discussions  of our various mistress’ amourous preferences.

But the truth of the matter is that 103 seats belies our weakness at this point.  The party is a shambles.  The creditors are basting us with increasingly scalding red ink.  The vast majority of our rank-and-file are more interested in the game of power, played at whichever level their own competence affords them, than in ideas of policy.  The elite – the former elite, I should correct – have lost the common touch that was the key to admission into the upper echelons of political society in the first place.

Twenty two seats short of The Despised Ones, and it may as well be two hundred and twenty two for all the good a tight result did us!  Until we repair our finances, our ideology, our standing with the voting public,  we are nothing but a paper tiger.  Until we choose a leader to bring us out of this horrid hole into which we’ve fallen – God, my head pounds just thinking of the necessary carnage that process will unleash! – The Unwashed will have a free reign.

The worst part is that they know it, too.  It’s humiliating, enough to make the bile rise in my throat.  And I’m not alone – I can see the anger covering the shame in all of our eyes.  We were Ministers of The Crown, for Christ’s sake!

God, I hope it goes to their heads.  I hope every redneck of them bullies us on the other side of the House.  Upset as our friends are with us at this moment, the fourth estate will surely not let that pass.  A government with so many enemies beyond their reach cannot afford cockiness, but if the fates smile upon us, these cowboys will be too simple to realize that until it is too late.

We can only hope.  Well, hope and lay careful foundations…

#5 – Montreal

How does this logging in work? Cursed Internet – could never figure these things out. Would it be acceptable if I just dictate to my secretary and she sends the copy to your P.A. for input? We might as well put them to work while we still have the budget. I’ll probably have to sack the old girl when we get the new budget. Still, I’ve had her for 12 years so some fresh blood would be a nice change.

I tried to console the boss on Tuesday. Though he expelled me from the office, accusing me of being a charlatan and a “false friend.” Whatever you say about the old man he remains an astute judge of character. That’s a joke of course. Actually he caught sight of my rather large grin as he was trying to hold back tears. Yes, to be completely honest I was rather pleased with the result of the little race. The old man didn’t really have the clarity of vision that I admire in a leader. And little interest in my areas of concern.

And opposition can be an absolute hoot! You’re too young to remember, but in the old days we used to be like Sinatra and his clique. Better still, we get another convention. I love conventions. Balloons, booze, broads and a weekend at a five-star all paid for by the Party (except the broads of course). I do hope we can set it for Montreal this time. I cannot believe we had to suffer through Toronto on the last occasion. Plus, Montreal women are fantastic!

#4 – One Hundred And Three

From the Office of the Minister

Memo to Staff

Dear Diary

24 January 2006, 10:37 pm.

My head still aches. The party was half relief, half dejection. 103? It could have been worse. Those that stayed on? That could be worse, too. The boss looked happier than I have seen him in months. Someone else will be the new boss in a few months. How many have there been? Bosses. There was that one weekend in ’84 I thought of being the boss. Helen was right. I never did have the charisma of Eugene Whalen.

What can they do with 124? And who is going to back them? Maybe it will be a matter of who won’t – with all the party’s debts another election in 2006 would destroy us. I’m too old to need this many asprin.

#2 – It’s Done

The Prime Minister has congratulated his opponent and offered his support in the transition to a new government. He has also announced that he will not lead our great party into another election. The people have indeed spoken, and it is not pleasant to hear.

I spoke to my own campaign workers, supporters, and friends, and thanked them for their (successful) efforts to return me to Ottawa for another term, although this will be a different task for me: on the wrong side of the house.

I would be lying if I said this was a welcome change of status. There was much left undone in my portfolio, much that I think would have been good and worthy, had I but had the opportunity to bring it before the house. Now, I must adapt to the eternal role of the loyal opposition: to critique the proposals of the new minister and (where appropriate) to dig in and oppose with all my might where those proposals are wrong-headed, obtuse, and ignorant of the reality of this great country.

It is only a minority we face, but we face it divided, leaderless, and unsure. We may have the strength to obstruct, but not yet to rebuild or even to hope to recapture our former position. Not yet, at any rate.

#1 – Dusk and Whisky

The figure stands at the dark window at dusk, a glass in his hand swirling, looking down at the street from his campaign office. The other one. Not the street level one where people can see you but the one he started booking for himself after his third election. Down the hall he could just make out the drumming of a typist.

“I am exhausted,” he thinks to himself. “It was a good race at least for me but what a mess…what a mess. My eighth. Feels much longer. When did those kids get in charge? How long has it been since we it that we didn’t speak about brand and spin or maybe even values? Back in ’84? What a mess that was, too. But every decade the House gets cleaned out. Looks like this one, the decade with no name, will be no different…”

He turns back into the gloom to the rented desk. Glass touches crystal. “After all that power – what now? I might was well be in the NDP for all the say I’ll have…like back in the 80s.” He drinks and touches the tip of his tongue to his lip, drawing air in through the whisky’s hot breath. “Who will be left with me? The boss? He even made that race interesting, the fool. Every election you never know who’ll be left with you. You never know…” He puts down the glass. “How long until ten?” he thinks as he checks his watch again.

[From Jan to March 2006, I tried a group humour blog with others on the subject of Canadian politics. It did not last but the posts were worth keeping. #16 was banned. There were no comments. It was at www.shadowcabinet.ca. The eight writers were anonymous political bloggers, identified only by a number – so I can’t recall who was who. I was #4. I wrote posts #1, #4, #7, #8, #10, #15, #17, #18, #20, #21.  In 2016, I added posts #22 and #23.]